Archive for the ‘top tips’ Category

Word to the Wise

June 22, 2010

Helpful hint for the day:

Never diss your cleaner online. Never even hint that you’re tempted to sack her. For one Tuesday, when you’re least expecting it – in fact, when you’re expecting to go home to a clean house because she cleans your house every Tuesday – you might find that she sacks you.

It’s true. I did hear a rumour at The Local the other day that my cleaner had been offered a full time job somewhere, which I assumed might mean she could soon no longer need the money OR have the time to clean houses on the side. I did kind of expect her to let me know rather than just not turn up though.

This afternoon, The Boyfriend sent me a text to let me know there had been a no-show in the cleaning department at my place. Damn, you know what that means? It means I did my pre-cleaner clean for nothing! (Yes, every Monday night I run around like a madwoman doing a fast clean before the cleaner gets there. No, I am not mad. Really. It’s just a little tidying in fact – for if I left all the junk lying around the house that ends up there after a week, it would be impossible to clean anything. Hmm. Interesting thought – I might just pretend the cleaner still comes every week, at least the house will still get tidied weekly if not cleaned!)

Of course, on receiving this good news, I sent a quick query text to the cleaner in question. It’s been a good half an hour and she hasn’t responded. So I did what any sane lazy ass would do – I sent The Boyfriend a text saying “$20 for every hour it takes you will be on the bar tab for you if you get the cleaning done before I get home”. I’m not sure yet if he can be bribed with money. I’m kind of hoping the words “bar tab” jump out and grab him…


Cheesed Off

September 28, 2009

Tips to remember when making cheese:

If the instructions say “Keep between 8C and 15C”? Keep the cheese at that temperature. For if a heatwave happens one weekend your entire batch will be ruined, only to be discovered really rotten and really really stinky several weeks later. It smelt so bad words just fail me. I would say I may never eat cheese again, but this happened on Saturday, and I ate some on Sunday (not the bad home made stuff – I bought it from the shops and stuffed a chicken breast with brie and scallions, served with a cranberry glaze).

Tips to remember when selecting a dress:

Remember that bloody awful dress from the fancy dress part last Christmas? I saw this in a shop window near work last week.


Remarkably similar pattern, I thought. The area near my work’s head office has many clothing shops that are wholesale only, selling in bulk to retail shops. They often seem to have the weirdest of clothing on display but seriously – don’t tell me I could cut the kaftan sleeves off my old fancy dress outfit and be wearing something not out of place today! (I am not going to do it, by the way! There is not enough beer in the world!)

Lucky My Head is Screwed On

April 6, 2009

Mum always used to say I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on. I probably would, too.

The other week, we were heading out to a party. A friend had popped in to visit, and gave us a lift to the party so we wouldn’t have to drive (yay!). We stopped on the way for beer and ice – a party can never have too much ice; people always seem to take drinks and forget the ice. When we got out of the car, I looked around for my shoes. No shoes were to be found. I was sure I’d put thongs on (the footwear type) just as I’d left, but obviously had not.

Friend: Damn! I guess we’ll have to go back and get shoes for you.

Me: Na, watch this.

I walked into the local bottle shop. The guy who owns the store is an absolute sweetheart, even though I find it funny that he owns a bottlo and doesn’t drink much at all.

Me: Hi! Do you happen to have any thongs for promotional giveaways or anything? I seem to have left home without any shoes on.

I walked out a minute later wearing very stylish lime green thongs with “Vodka Cruiser” written all over them.

Mum also used to say “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know”.

How to Get a Seat on a Peak Hour Train

February 10, 2009

I’m always having trouble getting a seat on the train. They’re just too crowded, and I usually end up shuffling and swaying to the city on my commute while almost falling into the laps of strangers. Hey, it’s a great way to meet people.

Today I saw the light. Here’s how to get your own seat.

  1. Smell like poo
  2. Wear several layers of vomit covered clothing
  3. swear loudly at the person accompanying you, telling them not to give you backhanders. Oh, did I mention the person you’re yelling at is also invisible.

Soon enough, you’ll not only have a seat to yourself, but the surrounding seats will also be vacant. Much like this fellow, in a bad camera-phone shot I’ve entitled “Scenes from this morning’s commute”.


In an unrelated aside, please continue to send all thoughts you can spare to the victims of the Victorian bushfires and their friends and families.

Why I am Shaking in my Boots Today

November 11, 2008

This afternoon I have a job interview. It might sound odd to hear that my boss is aware of the interview – in fact is one of my referees – but it’s an internal job; a promotion, if I am indeed successful, and he in fact recommended I go for the position. (I didn’t want it at first and am still not sure, but the more I think about it the more I realise I really do want it now, which, while a very long running and poorly constructed sentence, does much to make me understand why I am starting to feel very nervous.)

The boss has two very distinct personalities. One side of him is evil and tough and mean. The other is kind of funny. When he started his reign of terror here, everyone (including me) was more than a little scared, and most of the team quickly toed the line or got managed out. I was fed up with all the bullshit, and decided to just keep my approach of having as much fun as you can while still getting the job done. Some twelve months later he seems to be used to my somewhat odd sense of humour, and at times I wonder if I am influencing him to be more silly himself. Sometimes I think he is frustrated that my approach seems to work for people – he once said to me “You are so good with people! People seem to always do what you ask them to, and that is rare! But you have to learn to use your powers for good, not evil!”

Perhaps that is why he sent me a text message this morning saying “Good luck with the interview! Make sure you don’t pick your nose!”

Why Do I Feel So Ill?

November 6, 2008

Today I have an awsome tip for you.

If you, hypothetically of course, have a stomach ache and, hypothetically, might have been to the toilet ninety bajillion times since breakfast – but need to stay at work anyway because of deadlines?
Do not eat leftover rich creamy pasta for lunch, followed by a half a jar of musk lollies, followed by 3 gooey banana flavoured things (which are called Laffy Taffy, and I have never seen before, but a lovely American temp brought in on Friday last week for Halloween).

I would be proud that I stopped at 3 Banana Laffy Taffy things but I know I only stopped because I had eaten ALL of the Banana Laffy Taffy things out of the communal bowl. And that was after telling everyone else early in the week that they were horrible so that they wouldn’t eat them. I don’t know what to do after today, I am all out of the gooey sickly sweetness.

However, perhaps that means my stomach ache might get better tomorrow.