Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

Pillow Talk

September 21, 2010

The other night the boyfriend shook me awake to tell me something important.Th conversation must have gone on for about 10 minutes. Here’s a summary of how it went.

BF: We do slapperdicktomies now!

Me: Wha?? what?

BF: Slapperdicktomies!

Me: What’s a slapperdicktomy?

BF: A penis transplant, silly! We can put one wherever guys want an extra one. Or if girls want to try it!

Me: *uncontrollable laughter*

BF: What?

Me: So how did this come about?

BF: Someone left one behind! How cool is that!

Cool’s not exactly the word I would have picked. He clearly belongs with me.

How to Stop Traffic

May 5, 2010

On Monday I went to a funeral. Feeling somewhat gloomy on my return home, I decided to head up to The Local, where there was bound to be a few laughs to be had.

I kicked off my dress and heels, shrugging into a soft old t shirt and the jeans I’d been wearing the day before. This has been a breakthrough for me – I hate to wear dirty clothes, and it has taken me years to accept that sometimes you CAN wear jeans more than once before they really need a wash.

As I crossed the busy main road that runs between my house and the path to the pub, I felt something in my jeans. Fearing the worst (spider? snake?) I had to keep walking or I would have been bowled over by a truck, but as I walked across the road I gave my leg a violent shake. Now I don’t mind wearing yesterdays jeans, but when yesterdays undies came flying out the bottom of my jeans leg, I did the only thing I really could in this situation. I glanced around to check nobody had noticed, and kept right on strolling across the street.

I didn’t really stop to take too much in (note aforementioned truck barrelling towards me at high speed) but gee I hope they weren’t my good undies.

Good and Bad

March 9, 2010

Good.

This weekend, The Boyfriend and I are headed to the South Coast of NSW with my baby (ok, not so baby – my younger) brother. The Boyfriend and I are going to a wedding in the area on Sunday and decided to shout my brother dinner at Bannisters – the new Rick Stein restaurant on the NSW south coast – on the Saturday night in exchange for a lift from the holiday house to the wedding and back on Sunday. That’s why the three of us have Monday off next week, for a non standard long weekend.

Bad.

Before the weekend away, we need to attend a funeral for a local.. how to describe him… a guy who lived a few blocks away that had different life choices than myself; who was in trouble more times than not (as in, the most positive story I can think of to illustrate this without getting all into stuff that’s not my business is that he just got allowed back in The Local after several years being barred for selling wacky weed in the beer garden), but that we knew reasonably well, and many of our friends knew and loved. It’s a respect thing in part, but I must admit when I walked past his house on Friday and he told me a few very funny (and inappropriate) jokes I would never have imagined a heart attack would have been the end of him by the Sunday morning. I had the hard job (“because you have that geeky internet thing at work, right?”) on Monday of emailing a few out of town folks to let them know what had happened – I am NO good at emailing bad news, my email even ended with “Insert some kind of non awkward closing sentence here”.

Good.

Well, funny at least. I went to see the COO of my division today. He had asked me to put together a 1 page summary of a specific work issue: status, what was happening to resolve it short and long term, etc etc. I put some hours into getting it right and headed over to my weekly catch up with the big boss. He was cross. He asked silly questions. After we got through only 2 sentences of text, he paused and said “Well, I have asked 10 questions already. That tells me this document is not clear at all”. I was really annoyed he wasn’t getting it, and answered with “Well, I understand it perfectly. Perhaps you’re just stupid?” Luckily he thought I was joking (which OF COURSE I was) and even ended the meeting by telling me I was a star as I left his office.

Bad.

Let’s forget any more bads, and just end on the good. (Am now writing this in permanent marker on my arm, just to remind me through this busy stressy week ahead!)

ERK!

February 2, 2010

Work is erk and will continue to be so for some weeks, I fear. While I was away swanning around the Northern Territory, 4 of my team have moved on to other jobs. I was part of a team of 6 – now it is just me and the boss. With budgets for all our state’s various business divisions to get through in the next few weeks. And I just ordered almost half a million bucks worth of equipment that in my absence the geeks discovered was unexpectedly incompatible with everything in place at work. I took notes on the issues this morning. The last thing written in my long chain of notes about how we could do x but then y wouldn’t work, I wrote “= shit creek, no paddle”.

The boss asked me to send him something about what strategy I recommended. I did eventually send some info over but not before I sent a message saying “Dunno about you mate but my strategy is that I am going to buy a Lotto ticket at lunchtime and pray really hard it wins”. He quickly advised he wanted to go halves in the ticket. Otherwise it might be just him stuck in this creek.

With all this excitement (amongst a million other dramas) going on, boss man has been understandably a little busy and slow when replying to some messages of late. So when I sent him a message a while ago that I really wanted him to read and fast, I made the subject “Will you be a referee for an interview I have next week”. Then inside, of course, was written “HAHAHA, just kidding, I really wanted a quick yes/no to this question and wanted you to read it fast.”

Well, this may have backfired. He still hasn’t replied to that one. Heh.

Bad Timing

January 4, 2010

Well Christmas is done for another year. Thank goodness.

The new year was spent quietly here with half a dozen of us eating finger food in the back yard, swimming in the pool, and chatting. We were listening to a radio station and waiting for the countdown. Surely you’d expect a countdown at midnight? Nope. Once I realised the song they were playing was “New Years  Day” and checked my watch I had to break it to the group. “Uh… guys? It’s 2 minutes past 12…”

Let’s hope that is not a sign of the year to come!

Let Them Eat Cake

October 29, 2009

Yesterday The Boyfriend’s mum gave us a chocolate cake. I shit you not, the thing is the flattest cake I have ever seen. I am not sure how I managed to thank her and then wait to laugh until I was safely home. The funnier still part is that her next door neighbour cooked it and gave it to her.

I’m wondering if The Boyfriend’s mum’s neighbour was trying to say something by giving a complete fail-cake to her. I’m wondering why The Boyfriend’s mum would say in actions, if not words, “Thanks for taking our son off our hands, here, have a shit fail-cake because we don’t want it”. She gave me half a banana cake too, and then said in response to my thanks, “No worries, it’s dry and burnt on the bottom, by the way”. heh.

Check out the chocolate cake – it barely reaches the first joint on my index finger – and I have short stubby little fat sausage fingers. I’m thinking I might whip up a heap of cream and make it into some kind of swiss roll.

failcake

Almost the end of the week, which can come around any time now, and hurry. The end of the week means meat. We need to get through some more meat at our place. This was our haul from last Friday’s meat raffle at The Local – 4 meat trays full.

meaty

Roll on, weekend, I need you!

Short Week, Long Face

October 8, 2009

It might have been a short week this week after the public holiday on Monday, but it seems to have been the longest short week in the whole world.

My bank are a bunch of arses. The paperwork for my new mortgage has so far been lost twice and once drawn up with the wrong surname on it. I still haven’t signed it and I am supposed to, by court order, give my ex a rather large cheque by COB tomorrow. I somehow doubt that is going to happen on time. I finally got an apologetic email from my mortgage broker after I emailed him this morning and suggested that when the paperwork was ready perhaps he could deliver it to me IN JAIL, where I will be languishing, having been thrown in the clink. I still do not have a contract to sign, however.

The Boyfriend got the shits and quit his job yesterday. Idiot. Personally I think a better plan may have been to get a new job first, then tell them how they are a bunch of *insert appropriate word here*s.

Yesterday I got confirmation that while I will still have a job and the same salary in the restructure, my job title changes to something about 5 levels down. Oh, and I’ll be responsible for more than before. The new job title in no way reflects what I will really be doing and that shits me immensely.

A friend’s girlfriend who had a bad asthma attack and failed to get CPR in time during the recent dust storms has just had her life support turned off. Her 13 year old child thinks that because she has not died yet she will recover. The doctors tell us she is brain dead.

I made The Boyfriend’s parents very teary last night when they realised that me getting my house back might mean we spend less time with them. I feel like a thief who is taking away their baby (their grown up fully adult baby but whatever).

I feel torn about having made The Ex leave my house – I have been financially supporting him for about 3 years while he plays a stupid online game that rhymes with Schmorld of Schmarcraft for about 15 hours a day. It is finally time to pull the plug, move him out of my house, stop paying his bills, and give him a big cheque in exchange for the deed to the house. It’s well overdue but it feels sad anyway.

One of the girls in the office who I was commiserating with earlier about how much this week sucks just came into my office and said “As if that’s not enough I now have the Wiggles song Wake Up Jeff in my head!” I have cheered myself up by telling her I have the cure. She is very silly for agreeing. I got her to sing the chorus of Rah Rah Rasputin. Well, at least she doesn’t have The Wiggles on the brain any more. She is stalking around the office telling all that she is going to kill me, but at least I’m smiling now.

Is it 5 o’clock Yet?

August 11, 2009

I’m sitting at my desk, giggling to myself. I realise this is a clear sign of madness. I’ve been sitting here for a good 15 minutes giggling on and off. They say laughter is good for the soul, so at least my soul’s getting a good workout. (Though I must admit I am a goof, my soul gets regular workouts this way.)

I hate those stupid messages that get sent around – and am annoyed, having just got one with a subject of “THIS IS NOT A JOKE!!!!!! MAKE SURE YOU READ THIS!” along with a detailed story about notes on the back window of a car and axe wielding maniacs jumping from the shadows and chopping your arms off before taking your car and wallet and keys and address. And now they are on their way to your house in your car to kill your entire family. OK, so maybe it didn’t say the bits about axes or chopping off arms, but you get the drift.

I’m now hearing other giggles start to filter across the office, as people receive the warning I sent in response to all recipients of the axe wielding car thief story. It’s only fair I share it with you too, after all the same thing could happen to you.

Generally, I hate these warnings that get sent around but even I have to admit that this one is important.

Please protect everyone you know and care about by sending this to your entire email list.

If someone comes to your front door, says they are conducting a survey, and asks you to show them your bottom, DO NOT SHOW THEM YOUR BOTTOM!

This is a scam. They only want to see your bottom!

I wish I’d got this yesterday, I feel so stupid and cheap.